Why Won’t My Child Behave?
How often have you thought “Why can’t this child just behave himself or herself?”
Adding fuel to the fire, some children seem to be especially good at (seemingly) choosing to have a meltdown at the worst possible time, be it when in a public setting or when the family is rushing for time. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, you may find yourself responding with an exasperated “Can you please just behave yourself?” or “Why are you being so difficult?”.
When such seemingly rational pleas fail, the situation usually ends with the last resort of bribing the child or physically carrying them so that everyone can move on.
Do these scenarios sound familiar?
Why does my child misbehave?
Let’s start off by addressing what behaviour is.
Behaviours are verbal (word choice, tone, volume, etc.) and non-verbal (eye contact, facial expressions, gestures, body language). Behaviours are avenues through which we express our thoughts and feelings.
Be it at 8 weeks old or at 80 years old, behaviour is communication. This includes ‘misbehaviours’.
While some behaviours, such as direct asking, are more overt, other behaviours such as crying, or the common ‘no!’ response, aren’t as clear in what a child is attempting to communicate. Due to this lack of clarity, adults often fail to understand the unmet needs of what those behaviours attempt to communicate, resulting in feelings of frustration in both child and adult.
One reason why children communicate through ‘misbehaviour’ is because young children have not (yet) developed the refined communication skills that we possess.
Consider: Does a young child really have the language abilities to verbalise oneself fluently? Does a child have fully developed bodily awareness or emotional regulation skills (for example, the ability to distinguish hunger from tiredness, get those needs appropriately met, and not cry from discomfort)?
Allowing yourself to have a perspective that is more attuned with what the young child is actually experiencing (i.e. behaviour = communication) the next time a child is ‘misbehaving’, remind yourself:
It’s not that they are trying to be difficult, but more likely that they are having a hard time verbalising or expressing their needs.
In those difficult moments, reminding yourself is a three step process:
Step 1: Ensure safety of the child
Step 2: Pause
Step 3: Have a think:
What might the behaviour be trying to communicate?
What are possible needs in this moment?
What can be done to address/minimize the unmet need?
In the long term, strategies to facilitate more adaptive behaviours and communication include:
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As motor skills mature earlier than language skills, teach your young child to use sign language to increase clarity of communication of basic needs.
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Examples include encouraging children to choose from some options of clothing on a child-height clothing rack, decreasing the battle of what to wear.
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Role model the behaviours you expect your child to demonstrate, as well as allow young children time and multiple practise opportunities for these communication skills to develop.
Kirsty Png
Counselling Psychologist
